The Un-lived Year

The Un-lived Year – Author Unknown

Midnight strikes, and the old year’s gone. We close the tablets we’ve written on. And torn ‘twixt hope and doubt and fear, we open the book of the Un-lived year!

An Un-lived year! Ah, stained with tears are the well-thumbed volumes of other years! Soiled by blunders and black regret are the pages we read with eyelids wet.

But fresh in our hands once more is laid a clean, new book by the Master made. Unmarred are the pages lying there — Twelve new chapters fresh and fair.

It is ours to write the daily tale, of how we conquer – or how we fail; Of struggle and effort and hope that makes like a song in the heart, when the bright day breaks. 

Yes, fresh in our hands with the title clear, is the challenge now of an Un-lived year!

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This poem was a favorite of my Mom’s and she read it aloud to me each New Year’s Eve. I am sorry that I do not know its author. 

Minnie Alice Sea Baugh Harp

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Minnie IV

My Mother

I’ve introduced Minnie to you before. If you missed those posts, I’d suggest you use the Search feature on the Home Page to search for “Minnie.” She is a person I’d like you to know more about and her stories are worth your time. 

Over twenty years ago Minnie, my Mom died and after the visitation and funeral services came time to settle her estate. The business was tiresome, frustrating and seemed to drag on for longer than it should have. I’ve since learned that even that gigantic chore had an emotional benefit. I thought I knew all about Mom, I had cared for her for the past few years and had dearly loved her for my fifty-five years of life. I had a few more things to learn as I began to clear out her home for sale and she had a few more smiles to present. 

Minnie’s House

Besides old photos and clothes and all the household items anticipated, there were boxes, a basement full of boxes. How did I not know that my Mother had kept nearly every box of every item she had ever bought in her eighty-one years of life? I exaggerate only slightly. The boxes contained not the original items, most of those were nowhere to be found. What they did contain was the instruction papers or booklet that came with the fan or mixer or vacuum, neatly folded and attached to the box flap. 

Other plentiful items were plastic rain bonnets, yellowed obituaries, new unused wallets, and keys, keys, and more keys. There were keys everywhere in the house. Some were in little-zippered pouches, some were on chains or tied with ribbon and still, others were just laying there, all alone without other keys to keep them company. My job was to try to determine what the keys locked and unlocked. I eventually gave up, but not until I had spent hours of investigative work thinking about my Mom and wondering if she was somewhere laughing at my confusion.

I’ve already planted keys, lots of keys for my daughters to find after I die!

Pixabay Photo

 

“No one can drive us crazy unless we give them the keys.”

Douglas Horton

 

 

Happy Holidays

For my family, it’s almost Christmas. Your special celebration may be different. Regardless, I wish Happy Holidays to you and yours!

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May you have peace and joy. 

Photo from BBC News

Carol

Carol of the Brown King by Langston Hughes

Of the three Wise Men 

Who came to the King,

One was a brown man, 

So they sing.

 

Of the three Wise Men

Who followed the Star,

One was a brown king

From afar.

 

They brought fine gifts

Of spices and gold

In jewel boxes

Of beauty untold.

 

Unto His humble

Manager they came 

And bowed their heads

In Jesus’ name.

 

Three Wise Men,

One dark like me —–

Part of His 

Nativity.

Langston Hughes              Photo by Bing

Theme graphic by Pixabay

Happy Xmas

Happy Xmas (War Is Over) by John Lennon and Yoko Ono

So this is Christmas

And what have you done

Another year over

And a new one just begun

And so this is Christmas

I hope you have fun

The near and the dear one

The old and the young

 

A very Merry Christmas

And a happy New Year

Let’s hope it’s a good one

Without any fear

 

And so this is Christmas

For weak and for strong

For rich and the poor ones

 

The world is so wrong

And so happy Christmas

For black and for white

For yellow and red ones

Let’s stop all the fight

 

A very Merry Christmas

And a happy New Year

Let’s hope it’s a good one

Without any fear

 

War is over, if you want it

War is over now

Happy Christmas

 

Photo of Lennon & Ono by Pixabay

Angel Photo by Dianne Bynum

Letter from JFK

Letter to Michelle Rochon from John F. Kennedy – October 28, 1961

 

The White House

Dear Michelle:

I was glad to get your letter about trying to stop the Russians from bombing the North Pole and risking the life of Santa Claus.

I share your concern about the atmospheric testing of the Soviet Union, not only for the North Pole but for countries throughout the world; not only for Santa Claus but for people throughout the world.

However, you must not worry about Santa Claus. I talked with him yesterday and he is fine. He will be making his rounds this Christmas. 

Sincerely,

John Kennedy

 

 

Photos by Pixabay

 

 

Movie Review – The Green Book

The Green Book

First, an explanation for the title; unless you are familiar with “The Green Book” the movie title can be a bit off-putting. The movie is not about the book, but about the fact that the book was necessary during the 1962 setting of the movie. Once I had seen the movie by this title and had done some brief research I felt differently. The book was actually entitled  “The Negro Motorist Green Book” (and sometimes “The Negro Travelers’ Green Book”). 

This guidebook for African-American travelers during the Jim Crow era was written by a New York Postman, Victor Green. “The Green Book” at first covered only New York City, but later the author included most of the US and much of Canada. It was published annually from 1936-1966 so that African-American travelers would know where they were allowed to eat, rent a motel room or even buy gas. After the Civil Rights Act of 1964, it was no longer a necessity for black people traveling. Interestingly the book is in print once again for students of the Jim Crow period. 

https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_2_14?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=the+green+book+negro+motorist&sprefix=The+Green+Book%2Caps%2C140&crid=1KCQ7UEC1ACT0

The Movie

In a word, the movie is great! It has comedic moments, but the serious subject is racial discrimination in America during the Jim Crow era. Mahershala Ali plays Dr. Shirley, a black genius who holds various degrees, speaks several languages and is a gifted pianist. He is pretentious and except for his butler is pretty much alone in the world. Dr. Shirley’s passion is classical music, but he has to compromise and play the music expected of a black man, jazz. When he books a tour that takes him deep into the South he hires a driver for the eight-week trip. The story unfolds during that timeframe.

The driver is “Tony Lip” played by Viggo Mortensen. He’s an out of work Italian club bouncer who takes the driver’s job because he needs the money. Tony is somewhat racist and one wonders how this arrangement can possibly work for these two men. It is rocky from the start and I will leave it there rather than spoil it for you.

This true story about real people is well worth your time. 

 

 

 

Personal Grief

We Will All Grieve

By adulthood, most people have experienced loss that triggers grief. If you have yet to lose a person or something that means the world to you, then you are probably very young and certainly very lucky. 

Facing loss of another or one’s own approaching death will bring on an overabundance of feelings. Some of these feelings we discussed earlier from Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s book “On Death and Dying.” 

These feelings are especially likely to fall on the anniversary of a loss. It might be the actual date but it might also occur on the day of the week or a day that is similar in weather or season. Unexpected grief can be triggered by sounds, smells or sights such as a bird, a flag or a similar face. In these cases, grief comes even on a good day.

Holidays

The holiday season which we are facing now can be particularly painful following a loss.  While there is no single solution some ways that one can prepare or minister to self include the following:

1. It is okay to say, “No” to invitations and to spend some time alone. Likewise, it is okay to join friends and family and to enjoy oneself even while grieving.
2. Be honest with those who want to help you and let them know your needs. 
3. Get enough rest, exercise and a well-balanced diet. Physical wellbeing is necessary for emotional strength. 
4. Recognize that grief is not an obstacle but a necessary process. It is not an illness to be healed. 
5. Consult your spiritual mentor or a professional counselor. 
6. Prepare a way for your loved one to be memorialized such as a special candle or ornament in their honor.
7. Take advantage of support groups such as those listed below. Often funeral homes offer such services, too.  

Resources: 

GreifShare (church related) https://www.griefshare.org

Soaring Spirits International (for widowers) https://www.soaringspirits.org

Compassionate Friends (after the loss of a child) https://www.compassionatefriends.org

Hospice https://hospicefoundation.org/End-of-Life-Support-and-Resources/Grief-Support/Support-Groups

Pet Loss – Humane Society or http://www.petloss.com

“The flowers bloom, then wither . . . the stars shine and one day become extinct. .  This earth, the sun, the galaxies and even the big universe someday will be destroyed . . . Compared with that, the human life is only a blink, just a little time . . In that short time, the people are born, laugh, cry, fight, are injured, feel joy, sadness, hate someone, love someone. All in just a moment. And then, are embraced by the eternal sleep called death.”  Virgo Shaka (Saint Seya)

 

Theme photo in title by Pixabay

Remember

From “Remember Me” by David Harkins, Copyright 1981

You can shed tears that he is gone or you can smile because he has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that he’ll come back or you can open your eyes and see all he’s left.

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him and only that he’s gone or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back or you can do what he’d want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on. 

Raymond F. Mattingly     10/28/1929-12/12/2014

 

Grief – Comforting Others

Most people struggle with confronting a friend or a loved one who is grieving. Attending a funeral or visitation is usually a dreaded event and often our biggest concern is what to say. Most of us know that a grieving person needs rest, food and other practical gifts such as child or pet care. What we are less prepared for is personal interaction, so we are going to look at some guidelines that I hope prove helpful. 

What Not to Say

Of course, the following list will not include every possible thing one can say wrong to the person who is in grief, but it might be the top six. 

1. Everything happens for a reason. This platitude is not helpful. You may believe this, but it doesn’t make it so. More importantly, it makes the person who has suffered a loss feel as though they have been targeted. It delays essential grief because it seems as though one should be not only accepting of their loss but grateful for it. It is cruel to say, “Everything happens for a reason.”
2. God needed an angel in heaven.
   
3. Be thankful you have other children. Saying this negates the loss of a child. Each son or daughter in a family has their own special place. A parent who loses one child is already thankful for their other children without your reminder. 
4. He/She lived a good long life. The survivor knows this without being told. Their challenge is to figure out how to live without them.
5. You are young, you can have another child or you can marry again. People we love are not replaceable. 
6. Call if you need anything. They won’t. They need many things, but if you are too unimaginative to offer something specific you are not helpful. 

What to Say 

1. Nothing, just be present, with a hand clasp or hug as appropriate with this particular individual. Do not run away and add to the feeling of abandonment.
2. Some cliques are okay if you feel you must say something, e.g., “I’m sorry” or “I care.”
3. Something practical and specific like: “I’ve made your dinner,” “I’ll keep the kids tomorrow,” “I’ll walk the dog daily this week.”
4. The name of the deceased, Contrary to what you might believe it does not cause added sadness. One fear of a survivor is that their loved one will be forgotten. 
5. I’ll be back. And, don’t forget to come back and ask how the grieving person is feeling. It is not a subject to avoid, but to embrace. Then listen. 

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Maya Angelou

 

Theme photo in title by Pixabay

Grief

Stages of Grief

In 1969 Elizabeth Kubler-Ross published the book “On Death and Dying” outlining what came to be known as the Five Stages of Grief. Few understood that Kubler-Ross was describing what she had observed in her patients who were dying. It was about personal grief from one’s own approaching death but could be applied to the grief of any loss that might be experienced. The author published a second book decades later entitled “On Grief and Grieving” in which she explained the stages further.

With this background in mind, it serves us well to briefly look at the five stages which Dr. Kubler-Ross listed.

1.Denial
Denial is a natural reaction which briefly buffers one from the unthinkable reality of death or approaching death.

2. Anger
Anger is often directed at the unfairness of the loss one is experiencing.

3. Bargaining
Bargaining is a mechanism that is especially used by those who are anticipating their own death. Bargaining might be in the form of asking to just see a daughter’s wedding or a grandchild’s birth before death.

4. Depression
Depression sets in when one realizes that bargaining will not work and is a period of deep mourning.

5. Acceptance
Accepting the inevitability of death brings a measure of peace, but it does not erase grief. 

One should never expect grief to be packaged in a neat orderly group of these five steps. Instead, grieving is personal and these stages can occur in any order, can overlap, as well as come and go over time. Having a general idea of what one is experiencing in these terms can, however, be helpful in recognizing the normalcy of the process.

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Types of Loss

These stages, these feelings are not only connected with loss through death but can be from any type of significant loss. Some that quickly come to my mind are the loss of a job, a home or a pet. Other less obvious perhaps are the loss of self-image (through injury or surgery), loss of a partner through divorce or separation and even loss of status or a sense of self. Through all of these losses and more, we can expect to deny, be angry, bargain, experience depression and hopefully finally reach a degree of acceptance.

How to Say Goodbye

One of the hardest things to do is to say goodbye to one who is dying. Knowing that these are likely the last words you will speak to someone you care about is a formidable responsibility. Beryl Schewe (Eden Prairie News) notes six things that should or could be said. They are: I love you, Thank you, I forgive you, Forgive me, I will be OK, and Goodbye. It seems to me that any of these six simple phrases said in love are appropriate. I believe they are enough. I believe they can bring peace to both the dying and the survivor.

In the next post, we will discuss what to say and not say to one who is grieving.

“Grief is the price we pay for love.” Queen Elizabeth II

Theme photo in title by Pixabay

XMas Poetry

Poem by Sylvia Mattingly  

Untitled

This the night before Christmas and my house is a mess. Full of presents and Christmas fluff and dust, more or less. My socks are flung over the chair back with care in hopes that through pity, I’ll get a new pair.

I’m eventually nested all snug in my bed, After many a hot flash and my face looking red. With one fan beside me, and one fan up high, The flashes are subsiding and I know sleep is nigh.

But no, not to be, another to tame, And I cuss and I fume as I call it by name . . . Now hot flash, now heatwave, now hell’s breath of fire, Be gone with your torture I have got to retire!

I must get some winks, so when Santa Claus shows, I’ll be fast asleep and having no woes. Oh, who am I kidding, he’ll never get in Cause I’ve capped off the chimney and there’s insulation within. 

The door’s dead bolted and chained . . . I’ll undo all locks . . . If I hope for that chance at a new pair of socks. And maybe some peppermint and a nice box of tea, Just the simple things in life are all that I need.

Oh Santy Claus come, I’ll be waiting for you. For you and your reindeer to do what you do. Be careful out front and watch out for the TARC, and remember that here, you must parallel park.

Your reindeer should be quite safe from the crowd, Cause in the heart of the city, no hunting’s allowed. They can paw at the pavement and snort with full glee, While you’re in my house leaving presents for me. 

I’ll leave out some cookies and coffee and such, So just take your time, no need to rush. Sit down in my rocker and get some good rest Take a slow look around and just be my guest.

I don’t have a lot as you can certainly see But in the eyes of a poor man I’m as rich as can be. And in my own heart, I’m richer than most Because I have all I need and I truly can boast. 

Maybe the stuff you were gonna leave here, Should bring some poor family a whole bunch of cheer, Take them a goose and some wine and warm bread And maybe a nice handmade quilt for their bed. 

Leave them these things because I’m sure they’ve been good Don’t leave any switches or coal chunks or wood, And all that I ask as you leave my front door is that you take all these hot flashes and bring me no more!!

And other than that there just one small request It’s that old pair of socks on the chair, I’ll be blessed Please leave me some new ones without any wear See I don’t ask for much, just comfort and care.

Cause that’s what Christmas is really about . . . It’s not all the bling or the holiday shout, It’s about giving to others and looking around At the many great treasures in life to be found. 

Our friends and our family, our life and our health Are just a few fine examples in our passel of wealth. Now Santy, there’s just one more thing you can do . . . Next year bring a Ford Mustang . . . in the color of blue!!!

“With many thanks to my inspirations, Clement C. Moore and Dr. Seuss.”           Sylvia Mattingly

Photos by Pixabay

Home?

Home Sweet Home

It is a pretty sure thing that most, if not all, who read this have a place to call home. It may not be considered “sweet” but is probably warm, private and comfortable. Do we fail to appreciate our homes? Probably. I know I do at times. Once in a while though, I really pause to look around and genuinely appreciate each convenience and comfort, but it is easy to take these things for granted.

The Poorhouse

When I was a very little girl growing up in Anderson County, KY I remember a place called the “Poorhouse.” This big house sat up on a hill on the way to Lawrenceburg. There was a front porch that wound around the building and when we passed this place in nice weather there were men and women sitting in rocking chairs on this long porch. They looked old to me, but then all adults did at that time in my childhood. 

Looking back I can still see those figures sitting on the porch and I now have more idea about how they became residents and how much stigma must have been connected to moving to the poorhouse. This was before Medicaid and supplemental programs to help the poor live independently. Such programs have changed the face of poverty but have not erased it.

Homelessness

Homelessness is a problem all over the world but today let’s look at the U.S. According to the National Alliance to End Homelessness in January of last year there were 553,742 people homeless in this country. This number, which represents 17 persons out of 10,000, is actually down since the last year counted. Some states such as Georgia have decreased their number of homeless but others, including New York and California, have increased. Thirty-four percent of homeless citizens are living unsheltered in such places as underpasses or abandoned buildings. I find it interesting that our places with the highness homeless rates are the nation’s capital (110 per 10,000) and Hawaii, a place we consider paradise (51 per 10,000).  https://endhomelessness.org/homelessness-in-america/homelessness-statistics/state-of-homelessness-report/

At Risk

The most common reason for being homeless is obviously financial. The National Coalition for the Homeless points out some of the factors that contribute to financial difficulties. These include foreclosure, loss of work and job unavailability, decreases in public assistance and lack of affordable housing. 

Many homeless individuals suffer from mental illness and/or addiction. Domestic violence often leaves families without safe homes. A decrease in available healthcare is another factor among many others. http://www.nationalhomeless.org/factsheets/

So What?

What can we do? For a start:

• We can let our government representatives know that we care about this issue and that we are watching their decisions.
• We can contribute money to agencies that provide shelter for the homeless. 
• We can donate blankets, clothes, food and other essentials to homeless charities.
• We may be able to volunteer to provide services directly to the homeless. 

What other ideas do you have to alleviate homelessness locally and nationally? 

 

“We have weapons of mass destruction we have to address here at home. Poverty is a weapon of mass destruction. Homelessness is a weapon of mass destruction. Unemployment is a weapon of mass destruction.” Dennis Kucinich

Photos from Pixabay

Lights

“Light the Festive Candles” by Aileen Lucia Fisher

Light the first of eight tonight—

the farthest candle to the right.

Light the first and second, too,

when tomorrow’s day is through.

Then light three, and then light four—

every dusk one candle more

Till all eight burn bright and high,

honoring a day gone by

When the Temple was restored,

rescued from the Syrian lord,

And an eight-day feast proclaimed—

The Festival of Lights—well named

To celebrate the joyous day

when we regained the right to pray

to our one God in our own way.

 

Aileen Fisher, “Light the Festive Candles” from Skip Around the Year (New York: Thomas Y. Crowell, 1967). Copyright © 1967, 1985

Photo by Pixabay

December Prayer

By Mattie Stepanek, December 1999

No matter who you are,

Say a prayer this season.

No matter what your faith, 

Say a prayer this season.

No matter how you celebrate,

Say a prayer this season.

There are so many ways

To celebrate faiths,

There are so many faiths

To celebrate life. 

No matter who, 

No matter what, 

No matter how,

You pray. 

Let’s say a prayer

This season,

Together, for peace.