Katie & The Bird

Katie, a seven-year-old felt maternal for the half-naked starling that fell out of the sky and into her life one Saturday afternoon. Twenty-four hours later the bond was solid. Every thirty minutes or so she cautiously poked a hamburger “worm” down his throat with a tiny stick. He chirped, Katie poked. When Katie’s parents arrived the next morning they knew church was out of the question. There was no point in going to Sunday School to learn about kindness and love if you were required to leave one of God’s helpless creatures alone and without food for hours. As Katie proudly demonstrated her ability as a surrogate everyone was impressed by her expertise, especially Aunt Dianne.

After the people lunch it was again time for Bird to eat. Katie went outside to the specially prepared box to find it empty. The whole family searched and searched the yard looking under every structure and bush. Katie, though very quiet, was picturing all the harm that could come to a weak little bird. Daddy said, “Well, it wasn’t a cat, there are no feathers around.” Pop said, “I bet Bird was adopted by a Robin. I’ve seen Robins take care of orphaned birds.” Aunt Dianne said, “You took such good care of him, Katie, he was probably strong enough to fly away.” Grandmother related a story of Mommy’s beagle which disappeared without a trace and how Grandmother had always thought pleasant thoughts of his maverick adventure.

Mommy walked silently beside Katie as they continued to search all around in the ninety-five-degree heat and all the while afraid of what they might find. Finally, all the places had been explored and the disappointed family returned inside to the chilly air-conditioned kitchen. The grown-ups went back to their places at the table to cool off with some iced tea. Katie silently walked up the stairs to her own private space in Grandmother and Pop’s house. She entered the special room with all her Beanie Babies and other favorite stuffed animals who didn’t require feeding and she lay on her bed thinking of Bird out in the hot sun. Where could he be? Just as tears began to run down her cheeks she felt someone else’s weight on the bed with her. Without opening her eyes, she knew exactly who it would be. Mommy began to rub Katie’s back with the same love and tenderness with which Katie had cared for Bird. Without many words, Mommy assured Katie she, too, felt sad for Bird and was very concerned about the real dangers the big world might hold for such a little creature. They lay quietly on the bed for a long time.

Although there was no answer to the mystery of where Bird was, Katie wanted to be brave so she and Mommy eventually went back down the stairs to rejoin Grandmother’s birthday party. Katie and Mommy went to their car together to get Grandmother’s present and walked gingerly back around the house, still very quiet. As Katie stepped onto the patio she heard “chirp, chirp, chirp!” and under the shade of one of Grandmother’s big herb pots stood Bird impatiently demanding food.

Written 6/29/98

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Death – Decisions

Decisions

It is understood that family units are all different and may be made up of biological or chosen family, spouses or partners, relatives or close friends. We will use the term “family” for those closest to you. These differences may dictate what, exactly, you need to do to from a practical standpoint to prepare for your death, but regardless, the first step should be honest family discussion. We’ll call it “The Talk.”

The Talk

It doesn’t have to be a formal meeting. If you and your family are open to the discussion of death “The Talk” can be in increments and flow from normal conversations. When discussing the death of an acquaintance it is a natural time to say, “When I die, I prefer . .” Since such discussions may not include everyone who needs to hear, having your wishes in writing, leaves no doubt or confusion. So, what do you need to talk about and how will you document it?

Living Will

Legal agreements can be our guides. Let’s start with those things usually addressed in a Living Will. If you are diagnosed as terminal and are no longer able to make your own decisions, because you are permanently unconscious or otherwise unable to express your wishes:

1. Do you want treatment withdrawn except for pain control?
2. Does that include withdrawal of food, water?
3. What about a DNR (do not resuscitate) order?
4. Do you wish to participate in anatomical donation?

Decisions for #1-#3 can be very difficult for a family member. You may have no doubt that these life prolonging actions are inappropriate or undesirable for you, but to your loved one it is not that clear. To them it may feel as they are hastening your death, while you are more likely to feel that such measures would prolong suffering. If this has been discussed and documented ahead of time, there is less anxiety when the decisions must be put into practice. Physicians, emergency personnel and hospitals must provide every means available to save a life if they have not been given the legal right to withhold those interventions. Resuscitation (CPR) will be initiated, regardless of the patient’s prognosis, unless there is an order in place for DNR.

Number four (#4) involves whether you would like to donate organs for transplantation or all of your body to science. If donating the entire body is your desire, besides documenting, it is best to make logistical arrangements in advance. Most such donations are made through a university or medical school.

Organ donation decisions are often made long before formal end of life planning. In most states one can designate the wish to be an organ donor while obtaining or renewing a driver’s license. Organ donation more specifically is addressed in the Living Will. If you have explicit wishes, maybe you are willing to donate corneas, but not hands for example, this needs to be legally documented. On this subject people often think first of heart or kidney, organs which dramatically save lives. In fact, donations may be made of tissues such as skin which is used as dressings for severely burned patients or bone for spinal surgery. There may be personal or practical reasons for specifying exactly which organs/tissues you are willing to donate and these can be itemized in your Living Will.

Consider Donation of Organs or Tissue

Transplantation is a subject that I feel strongly about, having worked in that field for many years. I find it unfortunate that after over sixty years of successful transplantation, only 52% in the US choose to donate. If you have not already made your decision, please give some consideration to it now. There is no lack of information available to answer any questions you may have. I recommend calling your local/state donor affiliate or researching Online.

The United Network of Organ Sharing (UNOS) is the national organization which governs transplant facilities and Organ Procurement Organizations (OPO) in the United States. Their website probably contains more information than you would ever need: https://www.unos.org

Cornea transplantation differs in some ways from other donation and a good site for more information is https://www.donatelife.net/types-of-donation/cornea-donation/

Bone marrow and stem cell transplantation is still in the experimental phase for cadaveric donation, but is showing promise. If you are interested you may find information at the National Marrow Donor Program: https://bethematch.org

Your Surrogate

A Living Will allows one to record legally, exactly what one wants and does not want. Or, with this document you can authorize a HEALTH CARE SURROGATE, sometime referred to as a proxy or Medical Power of Attorney (POA), to make these determinations for you at the time of need.

Choosing a Health Care Surrogate is a very critical decision. First, of course, is that it be a person you trust. Your designated surrogate should be geographically close if at all possible and should know your wishes before accepting this responsibility. A few of the subjects included in a legal Surrogate Designation are:

1. Access to your medical record
2. Right to choose your health care providers and long term facilities
3. Withdrawal of life-prolonging treatment

This legal document names your surrogate and an alternate surrogate in the event the first person designated is unable or unwilling to serve at the time she/he is needed.

Update and Storage of Documents

Sometimes we change our minds about the directions we’ve given and the Living Will and/or Surrogate Designation may require legal revision. These documents need to be reviewed on a regular basis. If our wishes remain the same, it is probably advisable to initial and date each page to show that they remain current. Having your Living Will on file at your hospital can make it difficult to keep current. I would trust a photocopy carried by my surrogate (and in my car’s glove box) more than the hospital’s computer system. It goes without saying that original documents need to be stored in a locked fireproof box and that your surrogate and/or POA has access.

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“It seems to me most strange that men should fear; Seeing that death, a necessary end,  Will come when it will come”  Shakespeare in Julius Caesar

Death – Intro II

Introduction II

As we move forward discussing the topic of death and end of life decisions, in particular, I refer you back to this blog’s first page, HOME. At the bottom is a disclaimer and it is important that you review it at now, particularly this:

“The content of this blog is not intended as advice . . . . Information contained herein is not presented as medical, legal or clinical recommendation . . . .”

And, I would add:

1. It is extremely advisable to seek legal counsel from an attorney for estate/end of life planning.
2. Forms are available Online for your review (or printing), but I caution you to use either the US Government (https://www.usa.gov/federal-agencies/a) or (https://www.irs.gov/forms-pubs), your State Government (state laws differ) or the American Bar Association (http://www.americanbar.org/groups/real_  property_trust_estate/resources/estate_planning/living_wills_health_care_proxiesadvance_health_care_directives.html) Websites. Using these sites one can avoid ads and scams.

The kind of end of life decisions we will focus on are sometimes included during estate planning which deals with financial issues. Money management is not part of our discussion.

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Future Posts

In the next few posts we will discuss the following topics, some more in depth than others:

• Power of Attorney (POA)
• Living Wills
• Health Care Surrogate/Proxy
• Organ Donation
• DNR (do not resuscitate) orders

Other topics in the future will include: Funerals, Obituaries, Grief and Suicide.

In the last post I asked you to say the words: “When I die” and to acknowledge we are born terminal. Some of you responded with your thoughts and experiences and I appreciate your honesty and willingness to share. It is not surprising there are those who are not ready to talk about such personal feelings. Discussing death is difficult in varying degrees based upon our past experiences and other factors, e.g., religion, age, health status. It was reassuring some of you have already taken formal steps to inform others of your wishes at the time of your death.

Reader Feedback

Marybeth, while sharing that her parents were very organized in having preparations in place for death, also stated, “Perhaps it is the way a person dies (long illness, accident, suicide, etc. ) that shakes our world more than the actual act of death itself? ” This is a valid observation, because while losing a person one loves will always be painful, there are many variables which affect how we react and how we grieve.

Rita discussed the awe of her own conception which is the beginning of the brief interlude we have on this planet. We often hear “cradle to grave,” which sums it up.

Finally, Lula shared the preparation she has made for her own death having had that responsibility for deceased loved ones. Such experiences in dealing with the estates and last wishes of others certainly point out the value of thinking ahead and making the decisions we are about to discuss.

Thank you to each of you who shared.

With the next post we will begin discussing the person (proxy) who makes medical decisions for you when you are unable to express your wishes. That person may be designated in a Medical POA, a Living Will and/or Designation of Health Care Surrogate.

“Life cannot exist without death; neither can death exist with life.” Osho Rajnish

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Past Problems with the COMMENT Section

Some have expressed frustration with trying to comment on posts. I understand and I admit it isn’t easy to figure out and I’ve made some changes AND mistakes along the way. To comment on any post click the little bubble below and right on this page. If yours is the first comment that little black bubble will have a + sign on it. If others have already commented there will be a number in the bubble. Either way, all you have to do is click the bubble and a space will be provided on which to write.

Here is a screen shot from my phone that shows the illusive “bubble.”

Thanks again!